Love , hate , end, beginning -Cycle of grief

   Prelude : The Love

My heart was melting into a warm  bubbling liquid and my cheeks were pink ,, i knew i was in love ..

a love i had never felt earlier with this much intensity . it  was a forbidden love .. my inner warmth was flickering through my ears , my breath ..

I just could not stop myself from falling in love  ..

it was like a magic ..  ..a trick that made me incredibly happy and dreamy…

 

  The Aftermath : Cycle of grief  

  1.  The Denial :

I would watch my palms for hours  trying to  find the lines which would give me a hint that he would come back to my life  one day  and i  would forget the sleepless nights and my  troubled heart as a bad nightmare ….

I could hold his hands again ..

he would wipe off the tears from my face and hold me tight in his arms .. and never ever let me go ….

i had decided to not live anymore .. and the feeling that i can never be happy again and everything is ruined killed me every day ..

i would run to the balcony in the hope that he would be there ..

i would have this  epiphany of him being there , searching , waiting for me …

My nights won’t pass .. i would keep  imagining  the moment when  we would meet  and how everything will change.. After All this can’t be happening in real .. it just can’t be my pain .. It can’t be the scar of my life .. i won’t let it be….

That moment never came .. he removed me from his life as if i was a  sore thumb ..

i couldn’t make up my mind .. which was more sad .. his leaving me .. or his forgetting me and moving on .. or his doing all these along with the knowledge that he did all these in a very short span of time .. the unknown seemed more scary .. the unanswered questions .. the anxiousness , the restlessness ..

The questions ,that haunted me day and night ..

Did he ever love me ?Did it ever occurred to him that  he would ruin me for-ever … if he left me ?

how could he move on so fast ? how can he see the dream of starting his life with another person when the person who loved him most was dying in pain every moment …

Is this is what is called  love  .. ? being ruined and washed off from all yr dreams and left alone .. quivering in a world of no love?

2. Anger 

My whole love was dissected and questioned ,all my hopes and dreams were questioned .. i tried everything i could to fight .. but it was my flight , a one sided fight

With me and my will to make things right on one side and rest everyone and everything against Me .. and all this while  he kept on denying everything we had .. everything we shared .. even the love he had for me  was no more ..

The whole thing was wrong. when u are fighting against your love for your  love , the fight is not worth it    .. i knew that .

but this heart didn’t believed  then .. it believed what it had felt .. it had felt love , true love .. it’s hard to realize everything  was not true .

The love which had made me alive had now changed me in an  irreversible way .. i was angry at myself for letting me fall into this pit .. i was angry on the person who left me and never took a stand for me in front of his family ..i couldn’t think properly .. it was a useless myriads of emotions .. i was torturing myself .. it was pain which is indescribable ..

3. bargaining:

   Bargain ?

when a simple sentence like “ okay we will try “ set my heart with all hopes and dreams .. when a “happy birthday ” forward from the person could make me look at the message for a long time and made me happy that’s when i started bargaining my happiness in return of a fake feeling called friendship with my once love of  my life .. it’s useless .. but it gives the impression of a lesser pain ..

 

4. Depression :

The driver said “ madam madam .. it’s your stop “ .. i looked outside the window and it was a heavy downpour .. i walked straight into it ..i was wet in seconds .. but i was glad .. i was glad as no one could see the tears rolling down my cheeks .. i could not breath and i had to remind myself that i’m alive .. i have to breath .. i have to walk out of this rain .. my mind was reminding myself to run and find a shelter .. but as if all the signals sent were bouncing back ….my heart was racing fast ..

i would sleep hoping to never wake up again .. and never to go through the excruciating pain another day ..

away from home .. from friends , family … alone in my room , i could only hear a buzz sound all around me .. it was deafening ..

but i had nowhere to go ..

5. The Acceptance  and The End ..

I would run to the flower shop after office , to buy some so that i can decorate my little idols and sit in front of them for few mins ..

i couldn’t pray anything .. i had spent months praying for the lost person in my life ..to bring him back in my  life ..

but i couldn’t be pretentious anymore .. i knew it was wrong what  happened with me i had to forgive myself and let go .. i didn’t  wished  for a forgiveness .. i knew , things changed inside me forever .. and for good  or bad , it doesn’t matters as long as am away from the bitter feeling of deprivation and loneliness ..

I found my solace in the small corner of my room , where i meditate  , where  i realized  i have to live my life ..

It was very hard to move myself from the sad and bitter feeling .. it took some time but i was finally there ..

0 .The Beginning  

The old song started playing and it was raining outside .. A sudden feeling engulfed me , something nostalgic  and happy .. but sad … memories of a lost era .. but i was not crying , i was not devastated .. nor did i clicked on the stop button of the radio .. i just carried on with my work .. I couldn’t spare more than 10 secs on that feeling .. that moment i realized , i’m Okay now .. am  happy , am proud of myself that i overcame the darkest truth of my life ..

And hence i embarked on the path of  “My Beginning ..” ..

Another chapter unfolded   .. It had the same old me , but with a cautious heart and a story to tell …. buried deep inside the heart  .. 

 

 

 

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About namrataTanmay

home is where my Heart is .. :)

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